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Same Shit.... Different Day

Well, im closeted in the bedroom, making a quick post while i can. Chuck's cousin ann cant live without being on the phone constantly and never bothers to call and let us know she is making a call, and its very difficult to do anything online without her calling out or some freind or her mother calling here and bumping us offline. Many times her freind will even call after 11 pm and she will sit on the phone till well after midnight. I have given up on trying to accomplish anything in secondlife, though that has lost much of its appeal as well. I dont do Gor really anymore, the only avi i play now really is ani, and i will never, ever be a gorean slave, ever again. Dracos turned out to be just like apollo, and abandoned me like all the others, quitting the game for months, and then when he returned, without even letting me know, he had already found a new home and new slaves. So i removed his collar, and left his groups and i am staying off skype except to log in once in a while to talk to sam. Actually i might just call her instead, probably monday cause i think she works alot on the weekends. Maybe i will try calling tomorrow, who knows. Kathy doesnt really talk to me, and the boys and savannah dont either. I understand, and i dont push the relationships. They deserve better anyway. Im grateful i still have samantha's love, and i think.. though i cant swear to it, that her love will last till im gone. i will never ever stop loving every one of my babies, and never will i get past the shame, regret and guilt that has come of the rotten life choices that i made. but sadly time cannot be turned back, and choices, once made, can never be undone. I really , really hope every night that i just wont wake up tomorrow. Oh i wont do anything to actually cause my own death. Besides what it would do to my children, its a sin that God could not forgive, and i will have enough to answer for when im gone. But perhaps.. well just perhaps.. helping it along,... wont be quite so bad. After all, i WAS diagnosed over five years ago with emphysema, and i smoke just as much, if not more now, than i did back then. I also smoke an e cig when i run out of tobacco. Chuck and I are getting on each other's nerves.. well me on his more than anything i guess. im a cranky irritable bitch since i cant ever depend on a steady internet, and its made me really resent his cousin ann. i dont want even see her right now, or talk to her. But when i make a smart ass comment or get angry , he gets annoyed and angry with me,.. hence that is why im just hiding in my room tonight. I guess there really isnt much more to say. i will cuddle with my pink, as always.. she is the one constant that i can count on , depend on ... to hold onto that tattered stuffed bear and cry till i cant cry anymore. Monday i will try to see if i can find a psychologist that takes medicaid. Chuck is hinting around that he wants me to try for disability again. personaly i think its a waste of time, but i will try.. though i think this time i should go for mental problems.. after all im a total fruitcake, and im seriously on the verge of snapping, thats for sure. Why not.? Cant hurt to try i guess sigh....well i will write again when i can. Im hoping that someday we can find the money to get our own internet and phone line, but like everything else, thats just one more dream that will never come true.....

Changed

I am not sure why i bother to post randomly. After all, no one will remember these words, they will fade out in time, nothing more than the ramblings of an old woman who hoards bittersweet memories to her heart. It has been 8 years since my last post, quite frankly im shocked that this journal still exists, though its good i suppose that it does. I started these entries, so that perhaps in time my children might understand what led to my poor decisions in life. So many changes in my life. I have been with Chuck for 8 years now, and our relationship is stronger than ever. For that much, at least, im grateful. It took a long time, but i finally found a wonderful man to spend the twilight years with. We are poor as dirt of course, but love is rich in our life and between us we have 9 wonderful children, he has four and i have five.
  So lets start with the kids lol. His children are Melissa, Dustin, Ben and Jenna. Melissa is the oldest, with two children, sydney and nate. I dont know them that well as we dont see them too often, but they are wonderful. Dustin and Liz have our grandson Gavin, who calls me grandma, since i was around since the day he was born, only a month after my grandaughter abbygail. Ben is still the handsome bachelor, and jenna married Matt, and has two great kids, TK and remmi, who also know me as grandma since i was around for their births as well. TK is autisitc, but jenna handles it like the true saint that she is, and i love them all so very very much. As for my children, Katherine had some really rough times there for a while, she had a falling out with her roommates, ended up in a mental institution and had no place left to go but to come live with us in Ohio. She bounced back well though, and now has a decent job at a factory, and is in love with her man Anthony, a wonderful Dungeons and Dragons nerd that i love to pieces and is absolutely PERFECT for her lol.. they are schedualed to be married in september of 2016. Samantha, God love her, has had the toughest time of all. After marrying her high school sweetheart we found out that he was pedifile, and is currently serving 15 years in prison. The worst of it all though, is that even before this happened, Social services took the kids from sam, claiming she was neglecting them because my grandson was not gaining weight properly. It turns out he has an eating problem, so it was never her fault, but once the kids were in the system its almost impossible to get them back. she was so so close, but then that bullshit with her husband happened and that tightened the noose. sadly the kids were taken from her for good, and given up for adoption. we will never see them till they are 18, and i doubt i will ever see them again due to my heath issues. Jacob and Jimmy still live with their father in VA, but after a long time of partying and getting into minor trouble with the law, and racking up LOTS of fines, they are finally working and hopefully paying those off and getting closer to getting their licenses. Last i heard from jimmy my ex is doing very badly health wise, but we still dont talk even after over 12 years of separation *shrugs* I did recently talk to Savannah a little, bit, and she told me i am still the best best mommy in the deep blue sea, which made me cry. She even asked for my picture, so i figure she cant hate me TOO much, even though we dont really talk still. But she is only 16, and thats a rather crazy time of life. I found out she is a lesbian *facepalms* but whatever choices she makes in her life, i support her, its her life, and her choices to make, whatever the outcome may be.
  I found out that i have hep C, but i did at least manage to finally get on Medicaid, so for however long it lasts im trying to work out all my medical issues. I also have two hernias, one large Hiatal hernia on the top of my belly and another hernia lower in the belly i guess. I have COPD and emphesema, though for now that is on the back burner as its not that severe yet and doesnt cause me too much discomfort just yet. I continue to smoke, im stubborn like that i guess, and i dont want to deal with a lung doctor giving me hell just yet i suppose. I just recently got out of the hospital, I developed another large kidney stone that i was unable to pass, so they did emergency surgery to put in a stint while i tried to get over the severe infection that it has caused. But my body rejected the stint, and four days later i was pissing blood so badly i had to go back to the ER and they did surgery again and this time removed the stint and laser blasted out the kidney stone. Im doing much better now and after a crazy month of hospital visits and visits with sam im finally back home and settling back into my daily routines.
   Chuck and i moved from Boliver to Summerfield Ohio to live with cousin Ann. She has five acres out here, and had a nice large house that wasnt being lived in. It was a mess when we moved in , and still needs tons of work and cleaning up, but its great living in the country though it has its drawbacks of course. We have been fighting with our internet service since october, but its the only company that will even give us service out here, (besides satellite and that wont work since we use it for second life every day, we have to have unlimited service) . For now, as it has been for over a month, every time ann uses the phone it boots us off the internet and that drives me absolutey bonkers. that woman can blab on the phone for hours at a time sigh.. i will be so glad when we can afford our own internet and phone line. but for now we are still -500 dollars in the bank every month. my health has been too bad to work this year, and now we live so far out in the country that its not financially possible to even try to get a job. i would pay more for gas to go to work then i would even bring home on a paycheck. but i cant get food stamps cause they make you work for them now so the only food we get is what we can get from the food banks and that isnt much believe me ugh. well i guess thats enough for now, im gonna try to keep this up, though i dont think it will be an everyday thing, maybe just once or twice a week, but not once every 8 years lmao. .. words for my kids to read later when im gone. My health is getting worse, and while i dont think i will pass on in the next year, i dont think i will be here in ten years. i get more tired and weak every day.. i just feel drained, ... like my body is pushing itself to keep going.. but it will .. im not ready to go just yet *smiles*

P.S. a note about my wonderful daughter Samantha, im happy to say that she has survived her trials like the trooper she is. she has my strength. She struggles with her loss every day of course, just as i have done, but she has found love again and has remarried to a wonderful man that treats her like a queen. Their marriage is not perfect of course, what marriage is? She has two great stepkids, but its a learning process for everyone. She is my best freind now, and our bond is very strong, as is my bond with katherine now that she is closer as well. I just wanted to point out, that in spite of the tragedies Sam suffered, she has moved on with her life, and knows that in time she will see her kids again, just like me and her have become close now that she is older too, it IS possible to get your children back , even if you sometimes have to wait for them to come back home =)
 

Apr. 28th, 2013

Not sure even when the last entry was, so long ago now. In some ways it is a miracle that I managed to remember the password to this site. I sit here and stare at the screen, unsure what to type, how to put in to words .. well life. (struggling to work all the fonts, sizes, colors.. blah..). I think all the drugs i did in the past have left my memory rather like swiss cheese, with a bunch of empty holes in it. Chuck lost his job at the bar, the exact day that i got my job at the factory through ManCan. He was out of work nearly seven months before he finally found a job about a month ago at a new restaurant, a truck stop that is open 24 hours. The pay isn't that great (but more than me at least) but i have doubts about the job. Perhaps i'm just paranoid, but nothing ever seems to work out. I had more issues with my kidneys, and ended up in the hospital for nearly a week, with a small scare of minor surgery, which was thankfully averted once the swelling in my kidneys went down. But left me without a paycheck of course.. it would be nice to see us actually manage to BOTH have jobs at the same time.. to have TWO paychecks coming in a week, so that perhaps we can catch up on bills (like the 5,000 in back rent for starters.. ugh). But my job at the factory is limited.. layoffs are supposed to start next week, and i figure i will be lucky to have another couple weeks. Then i will be looking for work again and applying for unemployment sigh. By August i will have to start paying the school loans back for my degree. I did at least manage to earn my associates, with a 3.77 GPA. Even though i feel its a rather useless degree in the way of securing a better job.. it was never really about the money. It was a promise that i made to my children, and to myself, that I would go back to school and earn a degree. I needed to prove that I am not stupid, not worthless, and that if i never managed to keep any other promise in my life, (not that i make those anymore) this is ONE promise that i would keep, or die trying. While my health falters at times, and i know the emphysema is getting worse, its not my time yet. My children still need me, even if all i can do is be there to listen. Lord knows i am of no use financially. Sam is still struggling to get the kids back, Kathy is fighting her own demons and trying to find her place in this world. Jacob and Jimmy still need to get past the drugs and alcohol before they will ever manage to secure any type of future for themselves, and my poor little savannah, well i suspect her life is a living hell, and there is not a bloody thing that i can do about it. I send her messages sometimes, by phone or facebook, to tell her how much i love and miss her, but i suspect she doesn't believe it, and resents me even talking to her sometimes sigh. I knew this would happen, as it did with all my children, but i can only pray that in time she will forgive me for not being there, and allow me to be a part of her life again, once she is 18, even if it is only a small part. Whatever she decides, i will accept and not push her for a relationship that she may not want. I love her way too much for that. Perhaps i will write more later, perhaps it will be another month or so, life is funny like that at times i guess.

Another day

Jacob posted another horrible message to his sister Sam.. and once again if felt like i was punched in the gut. I have cried off and on most of the day. I try to hide it from chuck, he gets mad when I am upset and cry. I know he doesn't choose to really be mean, but i guess it makes him uncomfortable because he does not know what to do to help. He said the usual things, don't let it stress you out, don't worry about the kids , worry about yourself. Rediculous words of course, no parent that loves their kids could not worry about it when they hate each other like this. Why do people think that words have little value, that they mean nothing? Once words leave your mouth, they cannot ever be taken back. Words have destroyed cities, created legends, and been passed from one generation to the the next.

A mother's heart is broken

And once again a mother's heart is broken. Tempers rise.. words are thrown that cannot be taken back, and worse.. posted on facebook so that all can witness my shame and pain.. and comment on it.. add fuel to the fire that rages between the children i love so very, very much. I could feel it as my heart broke, the pain is so intense that I cannot even thing, i cannot breathe. That is probably due to the emphysema as well though, the heat has made it worse.. and the last couple of days have been hell. It feels as though a horse is sitting on my chest and i struggle for even the smallest amount of breath. There are no inhaler's left, and no money to get to the doctor to get anymore prescriptions. I called the doctor that prescribed them but he will not renew the prescriptions unless i come in for an appointment. I have never been back since i was diagnosed at the hospital when i had the infection in my kidneys. i logged into sl to keep busy.. cause right now its all i can do not to grab a razor and start cutting.. i want so badly to feel the pain.. to see the blood.. to watch as it lets all the hurt and pain out in a way that i can SEE.. that i can FEEL a different pain than the horrible crushing feeling that starts at my heart and radiates into my belly. Why does it have to hurt so much to love? Why havn't i figured out a way to get past the pain? to let it go.. sigh.. i love them so much.. i just want to make it all ok ...

And life goes on...

Well in November it will be three years for me and chuck, so we passed the two year mark and are still going strong. Life goes on as it always does, with tragedies and victories along the way. Since the last post (not that I even remember what the last post was about.. ) my son in law has thankfully gone back to work, guess there is a bit of sense in that thick head after all, eh? Sam is pregnant with their second child, a boy this time, due to arrive in August of this year. While I cant say I think its wise for them to have another child when they are struggling to support the one they have already, what can you say to the young? My stepdaughter Jenna and her husband are trying for a second child as well, and my grandson T.K. is less than a year old still. I am in school now full time, and it is hard as hell, and a huge source of stress, though for now I am doing well. I have managed a strait A average so far, and i am in the second semester, working two classes at a time. I don't work, because I need to focus all my energy on my studies to succeed in earning my Associates Degree in Medical Administration. I was diagnosed with a terminal illness, Emphysema. That has been difficult to accept, but not surprising given the heavy usage of drugs in my past. I try to live my life one day at a time, and look to the future, though often the future just doesn't seem to get here fast enough. Amazing considering the fact that most days i think, wtf. where did the time go?? Jacob stays in and out of trouble still, i have finally learned to accept that there is nothing i can do to help him.. he will have to learn life's lessons on his own since he takes no faith in my advice or that of others that care for him like his father and his siblings. I have established a shaky truce with my parents, since going back to school. I suppose the good grades and the fact i have not given up and quit has been enough to show them i am serious about getting this degree.. so NOW of course.. they are willing to speak to me.
I still play secondlife, quite often actually.. bouncing around different avi's so that i never get too involved or close to anyone and hurt when it all falls apart as it usually does. I suppose i will write again later. ...

Jun. 25th, 2011

 

It never ends, does it? No matter how hard i try, life just gets worse and worse. Where to begin? do i have hours to write all the catastrophies that have befallen me since my last entry? hell i dont even know when my last entry was. what is the point of keeping a journal anyway? does anyone read the words? is anyone any better for the lessons that cost me everything that i love and hold dear in this life? probably not, but i suppose it keeps me busy while i do the boring stuff on runescape, life fishing and what not.
I have been with chuck for 2 years now.. what is it about that number? what is it about 2 years that makes me run? is it mere coincidence that i was 2 years old when i was taken from my mother? that every 2 years of a relationship it falls apart, is it because in my subconsious mind i cant risk more than that? that the toddler remembers the horror of that separation.. and separates before she can get hurt again? why do i need to run so badly after the two years? not just run from relationships but from everything .. its as if every two years i need to completely restart my life over again. as often as i have done this you would think that i would have gotten life figured out by now, but i guess not. once a failure always a failure i guess.
Jacob goes to jail in february for a year. when he stole a motorcycle he got 12 months jail time suspended.. but pissed dirty and violated his probation, so now he has to serve the jail time. Gives me a year to figure something out i guess so he has a place to come home to when he gets out.
Sam is pregnant with her second child. corey is unemployed, too stubborn to take his old job back, but guess we all can be that way at times.

Jul. 12th, 2010

It seems that i am never able to catch a break... i don't regret moving here to ohio to be closer to my daughter... i know i can never be the mother she needed me to be.. but i can still see her and abby sometimes and that gives me a small bit of happiness in a totally rotten existance.

Like an idiot i quit my job at McDonalds after being there over two years.. and of course there are no other jobs around so we are totally screwed. On a good note, no matter how bad the pain and stress of life right now i have managed to quit cutting and quit drinking... i will never give up weed but hell i cant afford that so i never smoke it anymore so i guess in a way .. yeah i quit that too lol.

We lost our electric two months ago.. and only our neighbor being so kind and letting us plug into his trailer and use his electric has kept the tv, fans, computer and microwave running. We got an eviction notice to be out by today.. so unless a sudden miracle occurs.. we will be homeless by the end of the week.

Bob kicked jacob out again and sent him to live with me.. again.. im so happy to have him here but he goes back to court in VA on the 19th of july for violation of his probation so i dont know if he will be back afterwords or not. And even if he can come back where will i be ? in a tent somewhere most likely..
we have tried everything to find help there is no help around.. all the organizations that used to help dont exist anymore ore the funding has run dry. with no minor kids in the home.. no one is willing to do anything to help... i have tried everything.. even churches.. but they only will help those that are in their own congragations.

im gonna have a really big tattoo on my back someday before i die.. will be a pic of a road.. with flames and a single tree toward the end of the road.. with the words.. "my road to hell is paved with the best of my intentions....."

i finally get my son back .. and i cant feed him or clothe him or shelter him... as always im a failure as a mother.. the only thing in my life i ever wanted to be.. even as a small child i knew thats all i ever wanted was to have babies of my own .. that i would love them like i was never loved.. i never knew it would be so hard... i never understood how important it was to be able to financially support them... i guess i thought it was like a fairy tale or something.. the best thing i did for those kids was to leave even though they dont understand and probably still hate me for it.. even the older ones that are grown and more aware of how tough life really is..

i wish i could save them from the dissapointments.. the regrets.. the horrible pain of not being able to give to their own kids the things that they need or want.. but like all of us .. in the end they will learn.. slowly and very painfully .. and with alot of tears along the way .. but i like to think that my kids will be smarter and stronger than me.. and wont run away like i did.. that they will have the courage and the support and the love that they need to get them through the tough times...



and time marches on

Well... Jacob left for VA today, to go to court on Thursday for assaulting an officer sigh. Savannah was here for the night again... God it's so hard when she has to go home again, i feel my heart shattering all over again.
Chuck managed to convince the Office that if we pay 400 dollars by the 23rd of January, we can stay.. we have to also write out what our "intentions" are.... ummm... to try to catch up on the rent? what else is there to say after all?
Every day is a struggle to survive, a mass of turmoiled emotions and fear, I'm afraid Jacob will go to juvy or worse, jail... i am afraid chuck will go to jail by february if he doesnt' get his fines paid off by the time the probation is over... im afraid that he will be gone and i wont be able to pay the bills... and im afraid.. i know its silly, but im afraid that i will lose the internet after just getting it back. its my only stress relief anymore. half the time i cant afford to buy my meds.
This week will be a quiet one.. Jenna moved back in with her boyfreind, Jacob is in VA, Sam goes back home today with Abby and chuck works all week.. while im home all week till friday. Lord knows i cant afford a week off but at the same time its nice to have a little mini vacation i suppose.
Seems there is not much to say anymore but complain and im sorry for that .. .i just wish i could wake up one day of my life and feel a certain stability in my life, and not have to live in fear of being homeless or hungry.

A grandmother again

Well its been a long time since i wrote, i have not had internet and just had it turned back on about a month ago. I am pretty heavy into Second Life again, having brought "ama" back lol.
Hard to believe that the babies, Abby and Gavin are a year old now.. well gavin will be on Jan. 26. i wanted to go to abby's party today but im too sick.

Jacob is living here with me now, he couldnt stay out of trouble and his dad sent him to live with me.
And jenna is back home and pregnant now.. sigh.
i worry myself sick about bills and everything else. its late andi have to work tomorrow at 3 am.. been at Mcdonalds here for over a year now.